Everyone talks about having goals. Cue the hashtag, friendship goals, relationship goals, work goals, leg goals, and the list of self-depreciating (or the quest for self-improvement) goes on. No matter how you look at it though, goals are for the most part, beneficial in the long run.
So recently, I had a moment of clarity through all the dense fog of teenage confusion and the cloud of uni applications looming ahead. The time of clarity came in the form of an internship - compulsory and constituting an entire semester of my overall grade. I.e. 1/6 of my whole 3 years. It was big. I was attached to an advertising/marketing/event company on recommendation from my school (which just meant it wasn't self-sourced). During my time there, I was shown how advertising works in the real world. What Creative Directors do (or are supposed to do) and the difference between them, and Account Directors. Mostly, I was really taken with the concept of a "Creative" team and making art as a living. Graphic art, 3D renders, logos that would go on to be key visuals for brand campaigns. I was so fortunate to be given an internship that attracted me like a moth to a flame, waking up everyday charged with fresh energy and anticipating a fulfilling day at work.
But getting there isn't easy. What i'm studying now has nothing at all to do with what i want to be doing. And I keep blaming it on opportunities missed out of fear and parental objections of the unconventional. What's more, these "alternative" paths cost a lot more than the traditional route, adding further burden on my parents.
I'm Christian by faith, but these days it seems as if I've drifted so far I no longer have a right to say that. I want to make my parents proud and happy, and I also want a relatively comfortable life. But I can't stand the prospect of being stuck somewhere I don't want to be. I can and will pray about it, but the uncertainty is what i'm grappling with. How does one find peace and security trusting in something she can't understand?
I've learnt that to survive and succeed in this world, one must be (to a large degree) self-sufficient and confident in that not taking other's opinion as a determinant of one's self-worth. Yet, I feel this confidence should be balanced very carefully with humility, and openness. Then again, it is also said that being too careful will keep you from experiencing life to its fullest. Keep you from taking chances.
I think (and this is me giving myself advice), it's true that life is all about balance. Take the chances that you deem worth taking, live to the best possible way you know how, and never let other people cause you to question your self-worth, and your value in God. Always live in humility and respect for others. When you feel the poison of sin seeping into your life, beat it back with a firm hand and look to Him for strength. Trust. In His power and purpose above all else. And just keep on keeping on. All things will unravel and bloom in time :) Chin up, girl.
Thursday, October 1, 2015
Anonymity
I used to think that I liked anonymity because of the protection it gave, the shield against the dangerous and uncertain world. We've often heard how it is dangerous to reveal yourself in public; and this principle has been illustrated time and again by horror stories of people who have suffered humiliation and harassment when their pictures some how found their way into the hands of criminals looking for a cover to hide under. I always been taught that the internet isn't always as safe as it may seem to be and that "it's better to be safe than sorry" and err on the side of caution.
I always reasoned my preference for anonymity away with that notion; but the disturbing truth runs much deeper than that.
Have you ever met the type of person who seems really forward and friendly at first; but as you get to know them, they begin to withdraw into themselves and eventually close off from you almost entirely? The one you thought you knew so well, then all of a sudden seemed to be a different person entirely? Well, I am that person. I don't exactly understand why I do it and it takes brutal honesty to admit this to myself because it is a fact that grieves me greatly.
I was a shy kid in my younger days. At that time, i'd always like it if someone else initiated conversation, never taking the first step to voice my opinions. Gradually, when I became older, I also realised that this shyness had developed, and grown into something so beastly that almost resembled coyness or playing hard-to-get. I had become afraid of giving myself willingly and wholeheartedly. Afraid of Devotion. Was it because I feared rejection? Did I think so highly of myself- so desirable as to be able to chose among the attentions of many, which one I would repay? Was I really that kind of egoistical psychopath?? Maybe. But then, maybe not.
A couple of years ago, I had a friend who was the dearest and closest best friend one could ever have. It was the kind of friendship that just happened. Not planned, not anticipated. Not even considered. She was my desk partner and on the first day of school, we didn't even speak one word to each other. That was how awkward the situation was; or maybe a prelude to how well we'd get along because of our similar characters. Both quiet and not the best with self-introductions. But when we did start talking, (the girl in front of us turned around on the second day to borrow an eraser and thus began a conversation, including us both) it was like we had known each other for a really long time. There was an instant "click" where our temperaments aligned and we become inseparable.
I always reasoned my preference for anonymity away with that notion; but the disturbing truth runs much deeper than that.
Have you ever met the type of person who seems really forward and friendly at first; but as you get to know them, they begin to withdraw into themselves and eventually close off from you almost entirely? The one you thought you knew so well, then all of a sudden seemed to be a different person entirely? Well, I am that person. I don't exactly understand why I do it and it takes brutal honesty to admit this to myself because it is a fact that grieves me greatly.
I was a shy kid in my younger days. At that time, i'd always like it if someone else initiated conversation, never taking the first step to voice my opinions. Gradually, when I became older, I also realised that this shyness had developed, and grown into something so beastly that almost resembled coyness or playing hard-to-get. I had become afraid of giving myself willingly and wholeheartedly. Afraid of Devotion. Was it because I feared rejection? Did I think so highly of myself- so desirable as to be able to chose among the attentions of many, which one I would repay? Was I really that kind of egoistical psychopath?? Maybe. But then, maybe not.
A couple of years ago, I had a friend who was the dearest and closest best friend one could ever have. It was the kind of friendship that just happened. Not planned, not anticipated. Not even considered. She was my desk partner and on the first day of school, we didn't even speak one word to each other. That was how awkward the situation was; or maybe a prelude to how well we'd get along because of our similar characters. Both quiet and not the best with self-introductions. But when we did start talking, (the girl in front of us turned around on the second day to borrow an eraser and thus began a conversation, including us both) it was like we had known each other for a really long time. There was an instant "click" where our temperaments aligned and we become inseparable.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
A walk in the snow (A really late post)
Hello! Just a random thought that's been floating around in my head for a while now. I am very happily single and really, if I'm completely honest with myself, totally not ready for any form of romantic relationship right now. Haha how apt that this post should come the week of Valentine's Day, but really, it's not an i-am-in-denial-and -a-sour-plum kind of post.
I read something lately, it was an online article linked on my Facebook timeline by a friend of mine. You may have read it (these things have a way of getting around the world so very quickly), it was entitled "You Should Fall in Love With Someone Who Inspires You". The writer talked about how she did not mind if her significant other doesn't have proper education or isn't entirely sure about the direction his life will take, but what mattered most was that he had passion for things he enjoyed doing and his ability to bring out the best in her. This got me thinking because all along, try as I might, I'd still somehow fallen victim to my own romanticised idea of what my man would be like, my future partner. Well of course, I would tell myself, these are just preferences, and I'll make exceptions when the time comes. But then I grew up, went to a co-ed school and realised that this may be harder than I thought. I'm not sure who even reads this blog or if it's just an archive of my own thoughts, for myself, but my very first post was about this subject too. And since then, the whole episode, saga of drama, made me question myself a lot. Among other things, one striking question was really, how far am I willing to compromise just for that warm fussy feeling?
A few years back, I prayed about my future. Well, more specifically, my future husband (somehow I know I'll get married. Somehow. haha). And at that age I was always wondering: who is it going to be? have I already met that person? where will it be? what will it be like? what will I be like? How will I know if God approves?
And so I prayed one night, cuddled up in my bed, that God will prepare someone for me who will exactly complement me in every way. Someone who isn't perfect, but will share a perfect love with me, founded on a love for God. I prayed that God will tell me who it is when I first meet that person, and send a sign. And me being young and innocent, prayed for perhaps the most romantic yet totally crazy sign in the world: snow. Okay it may not be the craziest thing out there but here are a few reasons why it will be quite difficult for me to meet someone under falling snow:
1) I live in a tropical country near the equator. Some people say the day it snows here, is the day the world will end. Which is rather sad really, if you think about it. I mean, meeting the person, that very person that God has prepared you for and prepared for you just before an apocalypse.. But hey, better to have loved and lost than never loved at all, right? Hahahaha
2) I've never seen snow in my life, and probably never unless I migrate to a temperate country (which is my desperate wish) but maybe still a very long way off. This may be a good thing, (or bad depending on how you look at it) because it means that it's probably not anyone I know, which saves me a lot of heartache and headache. But it does seem a little troubling. Now that I'm thinking about it, imagine the crazy things that could happen when I actually see snow. I might stand out there and freeze to death. staring at every strange man that walks past, or every stranger really, since I'll probably have no way of seeing under all that thick padding and winter-wear.
This may sound childish and a little silly, but in my childish faith I still believe it will be true.
Until then, I'd really be much better off with soppy Hallmark movies and Nicholas Sparks' novels. :)
I read something lately, it was an online article linked on my Facebook timeline by a friend of mine. You may have read it (these things have a way of getting around the world so very quickly), it was entitled "You Should Fall in Love With Someone Who Inspires You". The writer talked about how she did not mind if her significant other doesn't have proper education or isn't entirely sure about the direction his life will take, but what mattered most was that he had passion for things he enjoyed doing and his ability to bring out the best in her. This got me thinking because all along, try as I might, I'd still somehow fallen victim to my own romanticised idea of what my man would be like, my future partner. Well of course, I would tell myself, these are just preferences, and I'll make exceptions when the time comes. But then I grew up, went to a co-ed school and realised that this may be harder than I thought. I'm not sure who even reads this blog or if it's just an archive of my own thoughts, for myself, but my very first post was about this subject too. And since then, the whole episode, saga of drama, made me question myself a lot. Among other things, one striking question was really, how far am I willing to compromise just for that warm fussy feeling?
A few years back, I prayed about my future. Well, more specifically, my future husband (somehow I know I'll get married. Somehow. haha). And at that age I was always wondering: who is it going to be? have I already met that person? where will it be? what will it be like? what will I be like? How will I know if God approves?
And so I prayed one night, cuddled up in my bed, that God will prepare someone for me who will exactly complement me in every way. Someone who isn't perfect, but will share a perfect love with me, founded on a love for God. I prayed that God will tell me who it is when I first meet that person, and send a sign. And me being young and innocent, prayed for perhaps the most romantic yet totally crazy sign in the world: snow. Okay it may not be the craziest thing out there but here are a few reasons why it will be quite difficult for me to meet someone under falling snow:
1) I live in a tropical country near the equator. Some people say the day it snows here, is the day the world will end. Which is rather sad really, if you think about it. I mean, meeting the person, that very person that God has prepared you for and prepared for you just before an apocalypse.. But hey, better to have loved and lost than never loved at all, right? Hahahaha
2) I've never seen snow in my life, and probably never unless I migrate to a temperate country (which is my desperate wish) but maybe still a very long way off. This may be a good thing, (or bad depending on how you look at it) because it means that it's probably not anyone I know, which saves me a lot of heartache and headache. But it does seem a little troubling. Now that I'm thinking about it, imagine the crazy things that could happen when I actually see snow. I might stand out there and freeze to death. staring at every strange man that walks past, or every stranger really, since I'll probably have no way of seeing under all that thick padding and winter-wear.
This may sound childish and a little silly, but in my childish faith I still believe it will be true.
Until then, I'd really be much better off with soppy Hallmark movies and Nicholas Sparks' novels. :)
Holidays and stuff
My term holidays are coming to a close soon. I have to say that this was probably one of the most eventful breaks I've had since I started Poly life.
Over the past four weeks I've been running to and from school non-stop for trip preparations, camps, and project meetings. It's funny to think back and realise that just a year ago, I was the freshman to which all these preparations were directed at; entering the school for the very first time completely lost and a little apprehensive of what the future might bring, the life I was to lead in this new institution.
Looking back over the past weeks and further back on the year leading up to it, I am amazed at how much I've changed; both for the better and some for the worse. I am not perfect, and imperfect people can only strive for perfection but will never truly attain it on their own merit. I admit that I haven't been entirely faithful in my commitment to God whether through my actions, words or thoughts. It has not been an easy journey but I'm really thankful that the Lord placed me where I am today. Still learning, still growing, still trying to improve. But like what my sister always told me, "Nothing worth having comes easy". I'll continue to strive and do better not because other people tell me to, or because I want to beat the rest and be the best, or not even for any form of recognition. But my challenge to myself is to truly and wholeheartedly seek to please God. And in doing so, if I happen to find happiness on the way, then YAY ME :) But really, true contentment is a gift so great and satisfying it is a gift that the world cannot give.
Over the past four weeks I've been running to and from school non-stop for trip preparations, camps, and project meetings. It's funny to think back and realise that just a year ago, I was the freshman to which all these preparations were directed at; entering the school for the very first time completely lost and a little apprehensive of what the future might bring, the life I was to lead in this new institution.
Looking back over the past weeks and further back on the year leading up to it, I am amazed at how much I've changed; both for the better and some for the worse. I am not perfect, and imperfect people can only strive for perfection but will never truly attain it on their own merit. I admit that I haven't been entirely faithful in my commitment to God whether through my actions, words or thoughts. It has not been an easy journey but I'm really thankful that the Lord placed me where I am today. Still learning, still growing, still trying to improve. But like what my sister always told me, "Nothing worth having comes easy". I'll continue to strive and do better not because other people tell me to, or because I want to beat the rest and be the best, or not even for any form of recognition. But my challenge to myself is to truly and wholeheartedly seek to please God. And in doing so, if I happen to find happiness on the way, then YAY ME :) But really, true contentment is a gift so great and satisfying it is a gift that the world cannot give.
Saturday, February 8, 2014
A place to start
Haaa It's been forever since i've written anything, anywhere. I used to keep a journal, which detailed the daily happenings in my not-so-happening life. I think i had the tendency to over-dramatise everything and really insert depressing commentary where it may not always have been needed. Well, I was an imaginative kid. And it was fun!
I think the one sad thing about growingup older I should say, is that we are so caught up in life and our never-ending commitments that we cut back on the time spent on the things we used to do as kids. Things that we enjoyed, that made us happy and that really made us who we are. We may not realise it, but those things are probably the most important and it's such a waste how people abandon their originality and creativity just to "succeed" in life, according to what the world's standards of success.
That is me too. I am a person living in this world, but I'm trying not to be OF this world. Because, you have to agree with me, that this is one messed-up world. It's probably the furthest thing away from perfect and so am I. So a sinner in a sinful world doesn't help matters at all. Nope, math doesn't solve all problems, and in this case, two wrongs don't make a right.
That's why I feel it's so important to stay grounded and remain rooted to what keeps you, you. It's so easy, especially now in this overly-connected world, to be pushed and pulled and persuaded. And with so many signals from so many different directions, it's sometimes really hard to make out the lines that mark the boundaries.
I'm very thankful for other people in my life. In this life. I'm such a hopeless introvert and it's really quite sad because sometimes I feel like I'll never find a true friend. Like I almost always have to pretend just to feel loved and to do something/ please someone in order to be accepted. That no one will really appreciate me or like me for who I am as an individual and as a person. WELL, that's not the case. Nope, nope nope. Because I am a Christian, I know otherwise. And I also know that most of these depressing thoughts (that tend to hit me in my darkest hour) aren't from me or from God at all. I am also thankful that there are other people in this world. People who will probably never know of my existence but who help me get through life and fill it with much joy and laughter. I enjoy reading/ watching their work and gaining insights from their wisdom. It's really refreshing to have different perspective once in a while and to pop your head outside of the bubble of pitiful thoughts that always seems to be what I'm stuck in lately.
As life comes at me with its full force in the days to come, I'm thankful and glad that I have an outlet for it. Whether it be conversations with friends or family, scribbling it down in a notebook somewhere, or blogging I hope that I can catalogue more of my life as it happens.
I think the one sad thing about growing
That is me too. I am a person living in this world, but I'm trying not to be OF this world. Because, you have to agree with me, that this is one messed-up world. It's probably the furthest thing away from perfect and so am I. So a sinner in a sinful world doesn't help matters at all. Nope, math doesn't solve all problems, and in this case, two wrongs don't make a right.
That's why I feel it's so important to stay grounded and remain rooted to what keeps you, you. It's so easy, especially now in this overly-connected world, to be pushed and pulled and persuaded. And with so many signals from so many different directions, it's sometimes really hard to make out the lines that mark the boundaries.
I'm very thankful for other people in my life. In this life. I'm such a hopeless introvert and it's really quite sad because sometimes I feel like I'll never find a true friend. Like I almost always have to pretend just to feel loved and to do something/ please someone in order to be accepted. That no one will really appreciate me or like me for who I am as an individual and as a person. WELL, that's not the case. Nope, nope nope. Because I am a Christian, I know otherwise. And I also know that most of these depressing thoughts (that tend to hit me in my darkest hour) aren't from me or from God at all. I am also thankful that there are other people in this world. People who will probably never know of my existence but who help me get through life and fill it with much joy and laughter. I enjoy reading/ watching their work and gaining insights from their wisdom. It's really refreshing to have different perspective once in a while and to pop your head outside of the bubble of pitiful thoughts that always seems to be what I'm stuck in lately.
As life comes at me with its full force in the days to come, I'm thankful and glad that I have an outlet for it. Whether it be conversations with friends or family, scribbling it down in a notebook somewhere, or blogging I hope that I can catalogue more of my life as it happens.
Friday, July 26, 2013
Little thoughts and life stories
The internet is so fun because everything can be anonymous if you
want it to be. This way, I can just write and tell you guys about all
the crazy things that have been going on in my life and my thoughts and
feelings about it all and no one will ever know it was me :) haha okay
maybe some will, but to those who do, I don't mind you knowing! So let's
get started.
It feels so liberating to write freely, without restrictions! These past two weeks I've just been insanely busy (sorry for the serious lack of posts, I'll try to work on that) writing report after report and giving presentations for all the subjects that I take :/ they're all graded. And I think the stress and seriousness of it all just got to me, my friends are also telling me to just go home and sleep ('cause I look that bad).
On a different note, I want to share about some drama that's been going on in my life. I'm not sure if everyone goes through the phase that I'm in right now, or if I'm just rather abnormal; in which case, that would be quite disheartening to know. Anyhow, thing is there was this guy in my class who was one of my friends. I mean I don't have many guy friends but he was one of them, and we could talk, which was nice. But then it was rumored that he likes me and.. well.. that's where things got weird. I don't know how you can still remain platonic friends with someone who you think likes you. Well, I couldn't because it just changed my whole perspective on our friendship. The only thing is, I have no experience in anything like this. This whole department is a foreign concept and I don't know what to do. So I basically, somewhat, kind of ignored him 'cause I was shy and things just got really strange after that. We don't talk as often as we did, and when we do, it isn't as carefree or as easy as it used to be. and this makes me sad. Okay, right now I'm pretty sure that it's my fault. but then, how do you keep a friendship like that going? Thing is, I never felt anything towards this guy from the beginning. I didn't even really care about his existence. Only until one day when we happened to sit next to each other and started talking, soon after becoming friends. But that's all. Sigh. Then after a while he was all I thought about. No kidding. I'm not going to lie about this. He wasn't running through my mind all day, but maybe just featuring in my thoughts every 15 minutes or so. Am I in denial? Gahh. Anyway, I guess you can say it's complicated.
But the school year is going to end soon and I want to get back that state of friendship we used to have. Not remain in this awkward I-don't-really-know-how-to-talk-to-you stage :( I hope to find out how to do this. I asked a friend and she said to just really believe that you guys are good friends and that you really can't see yourself in any other kind of relationship other than friendship. Haha I know this sounds like I'm "friend-zoning" him or something but it's true. I don't think he's the one for me, so there really isn't a point in venturing down that road. But I would really like to keep him as a friend and like just be there to hear his stories about life and tell him mine :) like what normal friends do. It's also because of this that my studies are suffering, i think. Because this topic is constantly on my mind, I don't focus on other things with as much attention. which is absolutely HORRIBLE. Because I HAVE to do well in school. help. I need help. How do I just get over this already?
I want to get on with my life.
-spark
It feels so liberating to write freely, without restrictions! These past two weeks I've just been insanely busy (sorry for the serious lack of posts, I'll try to work on that) writing report after report and giving presentations for all the subjects that I take :/ they're all graded. And I think the stress and seriousness of it all just got to me, my friends are also telling me to just go home and sleep ('cause I look that bad).
On a different note, I want to share about some drama that's been going on in my life. I'm not sure if everyone goes through the phase that I'm in right now, or if I'm just rather abnormal; in which case, that would be quite disheartening to know. Anyhow, thing is there was this guy in my class who was one of my friends. I mean I don't have many guy friends but he was one of them, and we could talk, which was nice. But then it was rumored that he likes me and.. well.. that's where things got weird. I don't know how you can still remain platonic friends with someone who you think likes you. Well, I couldn't because it just changed my whole perspective on our friendship. The only thing is, I have no experience in anything like this. This whole department is a foreign concept and I don't know what to do. So I basically, somewhat, kind of ignored him 'cause I was shy and things just got really strange after that. We don't talk as often as we did, and when we do, it isn't as carefree or as easy as it used to be. and this makes me sad. Okay, right now I'm pretty sure that it's my fault. but then, how do you keep a friendship like that going? Thing is, I never felt anything towards this guy from the beginning. I didn't even really care about his existence. Only until one day when we happened to sit next to each other and started talking, soon after becoming friends. But that's all. Sigh. Then after a while he was all I thought about. No kidding. I'm not going to lie about this. He wasn't running through my mind all day, but maybe just featuring in my thoughts every 15 minutes or so. Am I in denial? Gahh. Anyway, I guess you can say it's complicated.
But the school year is going to end soon and I want to get back that state of friendship we used to have. Not remain in this awkward I-don't-really-know-how-to-talk-to-you stage :( I hope to find out how to do this. I asked a friend and she said to just really believe that you guys are good friends and that you really can't see yourself in any other kind of relationship other than friendship. Haha I know this sounds like I'm "friend-zoning" him or something but it's true. I don't think he's the one for me, so there really isn't a point in venturing down that road. But I would really like to keep him as a friend and like just be there to hear his stories about life and tell him mine :) like what normal friends do. It's also because of this that my studies are suffering, i think. Because this topic is constantly on my mind, I don't focus on other things with as much attention. which is absolutely HORRIBLE. Because I HAVE to do well in school. help. I need help. How do I just get over this already?
I want to get on with my life.
-spark
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