Clarity and Direction

Everyone talks about having goals. Cue the hashtag, friendship goals, relationship goals, work goals, leg goals, and the list of self-depreciating (or the quest for self-improvement) goes on. No matter how you look at it though, goals are for the most part, beneficial in the long run.

So recently, I had a moment of clarity through all the dense fog of teenage confusion and the cloud of uni applications looming ahead. The time of clarity came in the form of an internship - compulsory and constituting an entire semester of my overall grade. I.e. 1/6 of my whole 3 years. It was big. I was attached to an advertising/marketing/event company on recommendation from my school (which just meant it wasn't self-sourced). During my time there, I was shown how advertising works in the real world. What Creative Directors do (or are supposed to do) and the difference between them, and Account Directors. Mostly, I was really taken with the concept of a "Creative" team and making art as a living. Graphic art, 3D renders, logos that would go on to be key visuals for brand campaigns. I was so fortunate to be given an internship that attracted me like a moth to a flame, waking up everyday charged with fresh energy and anticipating a fulfilling day at work.

But getting there isn't easy. What i'm studying now has nothing at all to do with what i want to be doing. And I keep blaming it on opportunities missed out of fear and parental objections of the unconventional. What's more, these "alternative" paths cost a lot more than the traditional route, adding further burden on my parents.

I'm Christian by faith, but these days it seems as if I've drifted so far I no longer have a right to say that. I want to make my parents proud and happy, and I also want a relatively comfortable life. But I can't stand the prospect of being stuck somewhere I don't want to be. I can and will pray about it, but the uncertainty is what i'm grappling with. How does one find peace and security trusting in something she can't understand?

I've learnt that to survive and succeed in this world, one must be (to a large degree) self-sufficient and confident in that not taking other's opinion as a determinant of one's self-worth. Yet, I feel this confidence should be balanced very carefully with humility, and openness. Then again, it is also said that being too careful will keep you from experiencing life to its fullest. Keep you from taking chances.

I think (and this is me giving myself advice), it's true that life is all about balance. Take the chances that you deem worth taking, live to the best possible way you know how, and never let other people cause you to question your self-worth, and your value in God. Always live in humility and respect for others. When you feel the poison of sin seeping into your life, beat it back with a firm hand and look to Him for strength. Trust. In His power and purpose above all else. And just keep on keeping on. All things will unravel and bloom in time :) Chin up, girl.

Anonymity

I used to think that I liked anonymity because of the protection it gave, the shield against the dangerous and uncertain world. We've often heard how it is dangerous to reveal yourself in public; and this principle has been illustrated time and again by horror stories of people who have suffered humiliation and harassment when their pictures some how found their way into the hands of criminals looking for a cover to hide under. I always been taught that the internet isn't always as safe as it may seem to be and that "it's better to be safe than sorry" and err on the side of caution.

I always reasoned my preference for anonymity away with that notion; but the disturbing truth runs much deeper than that.

Have you ever met the type of person who seems really forward and friendly at first; but as you get to know them, they begin to withdraw into themselves and eventually close off from you almost entirely? The one you thought you knew so well, then all of a sudden seemed to be a different person entirely? Well, I am that person. I don't exactly understand why I do it and it takes brutal honesty to admit this to myself because it is a fact that grieves me greatly.

I was a shy kid in my younger days. At that time, i'd always like it if someone else initiated conversation, never taking the first step to voice my opinions. Gradually, when I became older, I also realised that this shyness had developed, and grown into something so beastly that almost resembled coyness or playing hard-to-get. I had become afraid of giving myself willingly and wholeheartedly. Afraid of Devotion. Was it because I feared rejection? Did I think so highly of myself- so desirable as to be able to chose among the attentions of many, which one I would repay? Was I really that kind of egoistical psychopath?? Maybe. But then, maybe not.
A couple of years ago, I had a friend who was the dearest and closest best friend one could ever have. It was the kind of friendship that just happened. Not planned, not anticipated. Not even considered. She was my desk partner and on the first day of school, we didn't even speak one word to each other. That was how awkward the situation was; or maybe a prelude to how well we'd get along because of our similar characters. Both quiet and not the best with self-introductions. But when we did start talking, (the girl in front of us turned around on the second day to borrow an eraser and thus began a conversation, including us both) it was like we had known each other for a really long time. There was an instant "click" where our temperaments aligned and we become inseparable.