The internet is so fun because everything can be anonymous if you
want it to be. This way, I can just write and tell you guys about all
the crazy things that have been going on in my life and my thoughts and
feelings about it all and no one will ever know it was me :) haha okay
maybe some will, but to those who do, I don't mind you knowing! So let's
get started.
It feels so liberating to write freely, without
restrictions! These past two weeks I've just been insanely busy (sorry
for the serious lack of posts, I'll try to work on that) writing report
after report and giving presentations for all the subjects that I take
:/ they're all graded. And I think the stress and seriousness of it all
just got to me, my friends are also telling me to just go home and sleep
('cause I look that bad).
On a different note, I want
to share about some drama that's been going on in my life. I'm not sure
if everyone goes through the phase that I'm in right now, or if I'm
just rather abnormal; in which case, that would be quite disheartening
to know. Anyhow, thing is there was this guy in my class who was one of
my friends. I mean I don't have many guy friends but he was one of them,
and we could talk, which was nice. But then it was rumored that he
likes me and.. well.. that's where things got weird. I don't know how
you can still remain platonic friends with someone who you think likes
you. Well, I couldn't because it just changed my whole perspective on
our friendship. The only thing is, I have no experience in anything like
this. This whole department is a foreign concept and I don't know what
to do. So I basically, somewhat, kind of ignored him 'cause I was shy
and things just got really strange after that. We don't talk as often as
we did, and when we do, it isn't as carefree or as easy as it used to
be. and this makes me sad. Okay, right now I'm pretty sure that it's my
fault. but then, how do you keep a friendship like that going? Thing is,
I never felt anything towards this guy from the beginning. I
didn't even really care about his existence. Only until one day when we
happened to sit next to each other and started talking, soon after
becoming friends. But that's all. Sigh. Then after a while he was all I
thought about. No kidding. I'm not going to lie about this. He wasn't
running through my mind all day, but maybe just featuring in my thoughts
every 15 minutes or so. Am I in denial? Gahh. Anyway, I guess you can
say it's complicated.
But the school year is going to end soon
and I want to get back that state of friendship we used to have. Not
remain in this awkward I-don't-really-know-how-to-talk-to-you stage :( I
hope to find out how to do this. I asked a friend and she said to just
really believe that you guys are good friends and that you really can't
see yourself in any other kind of relationship other than friendship.
Haha I know this sounds like I'm "friend-zoning" him or something but it's true. I don't think he's the one for me, so there really isn't a point in venturing down that road. But I would really like to keep him as a friend and like just be there to hear his stories about life and tell him mine :) like what normal friends do. It's also because of this that my studies are suffering, i think. Because this topic is constantly on my mind, I don't focus on other things with as much attention. which is absolutely HORRIBLE. Because I HAVE to do well in school. help. I need help. How do I just get over this already?
I want to get on with my life.
-spark
